True Love

Love will carry you through and guide you into a relationship with someone who will truly love you. Relationships may end but true love never fails.

Lila Sharkar
Lila Sharkar
Nov 17, 2009
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When you think about the qualities found in a true "soul mate" relationship, what one word comes up most often on the top of your list?

Is it CHEMISTRY? Probably.

Just the mention of this term conjures up powerful feelings and images for anyone who has ever been in or seeking a love relationship. It is often described as a feeling that leaves you breathless, excited and weak in the knees. Palms sweat, the heart races and the body tingles with nervous anticipation.

It is believed by virtually everyone that true love cannot exist without chemistry. Therefore, the conclusion most would-be lovers come to is that if they experience these intense feelings towards someone, they have the basis for an ideal and lasting relationship.

Right? Maybe not. For this definition of chemistry is limited to one's physical response to another person. It lacks an entire dimension that resides in our values, beliefs, personalities and worldview.

In order to know you have the right connection with a potential (or existing) partner, it's important to have a basic knowledge of what real chemistry consists of, instead of embracing only the myths that surround it. This can be difficult to do. This intense, physical passion is the stuff that Oscar winning movies and best-selling books are made of. So, take a step back for a minute and see if you recognize yourself in the following.

Sarah is a thirty something, very attractive and successful, professional female. She has been in a relationship for over a year with a man who is unfaithful, disrespectful and incapable (unwilling) to make any commitment to her. Yet, when he makes late night "booty calls", forgets her birthday, or stands her up repeatedly - she remains available and willing, in spite of her general unhappiness and upset over their "relationship". Why? "I think I have mistaken great sex for love. I feel this intense chemistry and physical intimacy when we are having sex, even though he offers me nothing else. Over time, it has left me unhappy and feeling badly about myself."

John is an attractive, intelligent, 30 something male who owns his own successful business. He's dating a woman that he thinks he is in love with. He has knowledge that she has been out with other men. She cancels dates and is often critical and emotionally distant. She refuses to discuss commitment or taking the relationship to the next level. Yet, she turns to John for emotional, physical and financial help whenever she feels she needs it. Why does John continue to see her? "She's beautiful and the sex is great". We have such strong physical chemistry. It's almost like an addiction for me. My friends can't stand her and even I know she's not really a "keeper", but it's hard to walk away.

These vignettes are great examples of how physical chemistry can be mistaken for the real thing. The attraction on one level is strong, yet these are not relationships that have the right elements to grow into happy and satisfying partnerships.

So, what is missing?

Kahlil Gibran defines it as "spiritual affinity". It's the hidden element of chemistry. It's when two beings meet and connect on a deeper level. It can only be felt in the heart and soul. It's about friendship, respect, humor and the feelings of warmth and contentment that come when you are in his/her presence.

People often report finding one without the other. This is understandably a cause of great frustration and confusion about whom should we choose and why. In order to understand this better, it is helpful to know how and when each facet of chemistry occurs.

Physical attraction (or lust) generally begins during our first contact with someone. It can DEVELOP into something more over time, yet some pull is there from the beginning. The chemical that results from this attraction (and intensifies it) is phenyl ethylamine - or PEA. It is a naturally occurring substance in the brain. Essentially, it is a natural amphetamine. It stimulates us and increases both physical and emotional energy. The attraction causes us to produce more PEA, which results in those dizzying feelings associated with romantic love. Another substance that is released by PEA is dopamine. This chemical increases a desire to be physically close and intimately connected.

When these chemicals are being secreted in larger doses, they send signals from the brain to the other organs of the body. If you wonder why you or someone is attracted to the "wrong" person, it may be because you are high on the physical response to these substances, which overwhelm your ability to use your head and exercise "good judgment and common sense".

"Spiritual affinity" develops over time and repeated contact. When these feelings begin to emerge, the brain produces endorphins. These are more like morphine and result in an increased sense of calm that reduces anxiety and helps to build attachment. As relationships move into this phase they are characterized by more comfort, commitment and friendship.

Generally speaking, all "soul mate relationships" require at least some measure of each of these. The important thing to remember is that they come in stages, which is not to say that the physical attraction passes as one moves into a deeper connection. However, it changes. We cannot sustain those intense emotions as we travel down the road to commitment and a shared life. However, in healthy relationships those moments of intensity can and do occur for brief intervals at intermittent times.

Remember not to confuse great sex or deep friendship with romantic love. Instead, look for a measure of both of these in your feelings for another. For then you have the ingredients that lasting love is made from.

True love is supposed to be what brought you together. Many couples though, whether just dating, engaged to be married, married couples or people just living together experience difficult times, heartaches and breakups. Does true love have a roll at these times? What if it does? Can you handle that kind of love?

It's true you don't feel true love when you are the one being left. There is no sense of love when someone leaves you and you feel betrayed or, feel that you have been done wrong. What you are feeling is angry and hurt. But what if the shoe was on the other foot and you were the one who felt you needed to leave? Maybe it's not your desire to hurt the one you're leaving but you have realized that you didn't really love them. You want to move on because there is no sense in trying to be a couple if only one of you desires to be there.

If you are the one being left how should you respond in the situation? How does true love play a part in such a scenario? You are angry and hurt. You feel betrayed and maybe even a bit used and down right mistreated. These are the kinds of feelings and emotions that accompany being left. It's like the fabric of your very being is being ripped to shreds. When you can't seem to stop or get through these feelings and emotions they can lead to bad health. So what can you do differently to avoid the stuff? Well, how deep is the well where love exists in your heart? Not your love for the other person but just love in you.

Here is True Love

Love would not hold someone prisoner. Love won't try to force someone's will. Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Love never fails.

That is true love. Sounds like a lot doesn't. The good news is that you don't have to do love. Let love do itself. Read again all the things love is and then just submit to it. You have to submit your self to love. In your pain; in your loneliness; in your misery; in your deepest most profound sadness submit yourself to love.

Sometimes it may feel like you are giving up or giving in. You may feel like a failure, defeated and beaten down but, you must submit to true love. It is not that you are doing this for the other person so much as you are doing it for yourself. You only give up your desire for love. To submit to love is to release yourself from the pain. If you don't submit to love you can't forgive. And if you can't forgive you will remain trapped in your pain, loneliness, misery and sadness. No matter what you decide to do, love and forgive or, refuse to love and refuse to forgive, the person who left will still be gone. More than likely they will be going on with their life.

True love helps you to release them without anger and malice. In releasing them through love you release your self to quicker healing. To love in this way helps you avoid bitterness. You will become stronger and mentally more stable. Your emotional health will be stimulated. You will be wiser for your next relationship. Yes there will be another relationship. You will be wiser going in and able to again love freely. Love will carry you through and guide you into a relationship with someone who will truly love you. Relationships may end but true love never fails.

Keywords: True Love, Soul Mates, prisoner,

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